real housewives of southern maine

orange county, new york, and atlanta are such obvious choices for the overindulged and overwrought aspiring nouveau riche bimbo. however, the range rover driving contingent of missus's, sporting "someone just hacked up the michelin man" vests, have been grossly overlooked by bravo tv. might i present a case study in support of the northeast.

the stress of endless social obligations, including book clubs, tupperware parties, bridge groups and seasonal affective disorder requires a live-in psychoanalyst to help identify strengths, develop coping strategies and schedule at least one daytime lie down during the week.



segueing into coping strategies...entertaining requires a "cellar" to store the many bottles of wine acquired over the course of time. there's currently a two for $11 special going on this week at hannaford's- from the "barefoot" vineyards.



given my tireless volunteer work (habitat for humanity; currently renovating my own habitat) and philanthropic pursuits, a business and media centre is imperative in order to meet the demands from local communities. and i am never seen without that must have accessory- 'small-dog-to-fit-in-oversized-shoulder-bag-with-lots-of-metal-buckles-that-don't-actually-close-or-hold-anything-in-place-and-wreak-havoc-at-airport-security'.



as with most estate homes, there is usually adequate square footage to accommodate a home gym, which is essential to supplement the several rounds of plastic surgery, a basic human right to any "housewife" worth her botox.



in fact, the space is so palatial, that the interior floor plan spans two county lines, necessitating an additional gym room, complete with hot tub.



and as stephen king, the bronte's, and jane austen have all done before me (because what else is there to do when 6 feet of snow covers the ground for 8 months of the year) there is a cosy window seat to ponder meter and metaphor, birth the next great novel, or just quilt a set of bedlinen showcasing the family crest.



while no game of cluedo is complete without somewhere to slaughter miss scarlet with a candlestick, so must the homemaking elite maintain a fully stocked library of all the classics...j.k. rowling, judy blume...david sedaris.



as you can clearly see, dressing for luncheons, cocktail hour, and arctic temperatures warrants a closet the size of a swimming pool, in order to house the last three seasons of polartec fleece by versace et al.



prior to attaining "housewife status", all young ladies have completed a course/program in something utterly useless, and here is my bachelor's in art history put to use in the personal "collection"; showcasing work from picasso through the ikea movement.



it is also essential that a residence should have it's own workshop, for woodsmithing fine antiques, particularly when inspired and warmed, by a brick hearth, for even better feng-shui. note that contemporary sculptures can also be seen to exhibit both form and function, as evidenced by the rather controversial piece; "dirt devil coat rack".



and just as someone else's long lost british ancestors (mine were too busy raping and pillaging scandinavia in horn-ed hats), did in days of olde, ye scullery maid makes nutritious meals (using organic extra virgin olive oil, mind you) on the agar, for the gentleman of the house.



all i need now, is to ferment a fetus in my uterus for 9 months and i will have earned enough points to cash in on a monogrammed apron in 'save the tata's" pink.

and for those of you who might be concerned that i have "changed", let me reassure you; tongue is firmly in place, as are both cheeks.