Wednesday, September 24, 2008

painting by numbers

i have a long history of not committing-- to eyewear, shampoo, relationships, countries, and walls. as a child, we moved into accommodation provided by my father's work, i then lived in my grandmother's flat during undergrad, and moved into rentals every few years thereafter. however, i have been "practicing" thoughout the course of my own changes in address, by helping 'mortgaged and monogomous' friends; spackle, strip, and roll, offering (unsolicited) opinions on the merits of "watermelon-mango" as an accent colour for the toilet cistern.

the walrus said, "the time has come" (check your nearest lewis carroll), for me to choose, and while i typically enjoy as much colour as dame barbara cartland's eyeshadow palette, this does not translate well into a space inhabited by furniture, framed art, and periodically, a christmas tree. too bright and/or too many, is too trendy for the interior-- and will date faster than those god awful lamp shade dresses that everyone has been wearing this past year.

perusing the colour wheel at lowes, i found that choices are categorized into food groups, the weather, and random nouns. an immediate appetite boner occurs when rifling through; "burnt caramel", "coconut cream", "pale butter", "maple taffy", "orange toffee", "honey tea", "creamy oat", "pumpkin custard", (does the paint company outsource to yankee candle?), "coffee whip", "butterscotch sundae", and "tomato bisque". and i strenuously object to "fruit compote" as a signifier for pale yellow.

aspiring (or even actual, and therefore super-dooper nerdy) meteorologists can choose from; "heatwave" (with a "dehydration" accent wall and "gatorade" trim?), "lightning", "sunburst", "solstice", and "rise-n-shine" (the abercrombie line of paint identifies it as "morning wood").

and the more peculiar; "grand hotel awning yellow", "fuzzy navel", and "champagne tickle". i question the validity of "soft duckling", because how many times do you really see matted looking chicks with feathery dreds.

i would like to submit my contributions to either the eddie bauer or martha stewart collections; "batshit grey", "morning sickness", "bloodshot pupil", "draining sinus", "burnt bile", "seeping scab", "penile drippage", "toasted scabies", "rosacsea", "oops-i-washed-my-whites-with-my-blue-jeans", "one-week-out-of-the-month-knicker-stain-umber", "white t-shirt's armpit", "dig deeper earwax orange", "sewers after the tsunami", "wifebeater plum", "toilet bowl" (a popular choice for those doing the pebble dashed sponge painting technique), and "lint trap", accented with "oops-i-sharted-myself-after-a-serious-chicken-vindaloo".

1 comment:

mansuetude said...

i was going to say--all your paint will be 'scratch and sniff' soon--you know when they make you sit in the corner to gather your senses! But... ahmmm...

your line, i hate to say it, would see and make you rich! :)

you, as you, are rich.