Tuesday, July 17, 2007

so....i changed my first nappy

no, my curry eating compulsion has not resulted in explosive episodes of the lower extremities, nor have i birthed a little one, and my parents are not yet at the age where they are wearing super absorbent adult undies with leak proof elasticated edges. oh, and i am mostly definitely not in posession of a needy boyfriend that requires his bum wiping/food chewed, although i am quite accomplished at both of these skills. rather, i was initiated into nappy changing 101 ("diapers" for those west of the atlantic) at work.

it was a boy! i should get bonus points for the 'pee in face/up your nose' hazard. for the resident counselor who was "supervising" my technique, i provided about 3 minutes of low quality entertainment just negotiating the little sticky tabs that hold everything together (and in). short of using a hand held packaging tape dispenser, there was no way this little dude was going to be 'vacuum sealed' into the low slung, hipster style nappy silhouette that i was constructing. i do think that this is an untapped market that GAP/abercrombie should get in on.

to continue with the theme of expelled bodily fluids; i also fed (and sniffed), (ok huffed, im a self-confessed baby huffer) a 2 month old. after i had helped him fill his belly, he changed his mind and decided that it was in fact preferable that he empty the contents of his tiny body: all. down. my. cleavage. (with an added trickling feature). i was born again and baptized with baby barf. praise the puke. unfortunately, 'little guy' had also been running a temperature off and on for the past week, so the nurse decided we needed to "draw blood and run some tests" (translation on either side of the atlantic: "oh shit, this is going to really hurt. and i might cry in front of another grown up that i'm not even related to or sleeping with"). unfortunately for him, it meant a needle being inserted into the bottom of his foot. unfortunately for me, it meant holding him close enough to achieve optimal screaming 'his mouth to my eardrum' range (probably good that i couldnt see what was going on over the other side of his heaving body). before the nurse even got the needle out, or had warmed up his foot to locate a vein, i was in need of holding. this was going to hurt; bad. and he didnt have any four letter words at his disposal to express how much he hated us for doing this to him.

i can see that childbirth is obviously not going to be all cupcakes and butterflies.

5 comments:

total-spender said...

Having read this entry, would I be correct in saying that the experience failed to leave you feeling broody ?

disa said...

actually with reference to the baby burping, i had more of that drunken teenage boy "duuude, the baby, like, totally spewed all over me" pride.

Melinder said...

Ahhh baby head. It smells soooo good! I love it! No doubt! Of course...the thought of anything coming from my loins still makes me want to barf with dribbling feature. UGH.

JAWZ3 said...

AS THEY SAY Sh*T HAPPENS

total-spender said...

"AS THEY SAY Sh*T HAPPENS"

Hahaha !