Sunday, July 22, 2007

exposure therapy



two divorcees and a self-confessed commitment-phobe (or just anti-monogrammed-pouffy-accessories-phobe), all three working in mental health. the obvious sunday activity is to go to a bridal expo at the louisville downtown convention centre for a little "systematic desensitization" to work through past trauma (hyperventilation at the sign of a tiara) and first time anxiety ("you mean i have to COOK? well, maybe i just wont register for pans and butcher knives").

working therapeutically with any family system, there is always an IP (identified patient) who is the scapegoat for all the problems and therefore gets the most attention. today, as the odd one out (odd meaning i had not been married or divorced, not odd, as in a lazy eye and facial twitches), i was the IB (identified bride), although about 10 minutes in, i developed a stinking case of IBS (irritable bride syndrome).

despite what some may think, i really am a crap liar. the middle aged, married vendor ladies excitedly asked us who the bride was, when the date was, and if a wedding planner/honeymoon destination/ballroom rental had been identified. now i can throw a mood swing and pout with the best of the bridezilla's out there, but as the afternoon progressed i admit i got a little testy with the heavy set (unmarried) vendor chick (i bet she belongs to an oprah book club) who was trying to convince me of the value in providing monogrammed necklaces/bracelets/bags/purses/puppies for my bridesmaids. i almost spat at her "i'm not having any bloody bridesmaids, what exactly is the purpose of having 5 females who hate their hair/outfits/jewelry/shoes/personal lives/me (for making them wear hair/outfits/shoes/jewelry) stand around like potted plants 30 plus minutes, only to go to a reception, get utterly plastered, and try to suck face with anything in a pair of trousers and predictably spend the last part of the evening crying at how they will never find a man who will appreciate them (or their 5 cats) and subsequently call the random dudes they tried to make a love connection with, every day for the next 2 weeks.

in an effort to adjust my attitude, i gravitated towards the testosterone that was manning the "x-treme d-jay" booth. i asked if they juggled with swords and swallowed fire. [silence] damn the other 2 dysfunctional amigos for leaving me unattended. they certainly appeared to have worked through their trauma over at the catering table sampling the various canapes and crudites.

i confess to having had high hopes for the people watching component, however the mullet tally did not even get into single digits, despite this being kentucky. the general populus comprised of a bevy of gaucho pant wearing sorority girls, complete with muffin tops and french manicures, whining to their post menopausal counterparts; the mother of the bride. oddly enough the hollywood penchant for having a baby before the "i do's" (or perhaps it started here and now brangelinabennifer are behind the times) was in evidence, as there were quite a few couples pushing strollers while perusing stationary and "destination wedding" packages. out of the few guys that appeared to have been dragged there by the promise of free food samples, there was one rather intriguing groom-to-be sporting a long pony tail, bandana, and black stonewash jeans (hell, i would pony up for a couple's gift certificate to tattoo charlie's just to get an invite to their wedding).

what i have come away with from this little experiment (?), intervention (?), is that a wedding is a slightly more structured version of a halloween party (except without the kitchen aid gadgets). it can often be hard to identify what you want, but i know that i do not want a cake the size of a filing cabinet, or gold leaf, calligraphic, tissue paper invitations where the interior of the envelope must match great auntie gertrude's liver spots. nor do i see the point in stretched limousines with strobe lights, karaoke machines, flat screen tv's or laptops (unless we're commuting to anchorage, alaska for the reception).

the night before bride-a-palooza i told a friend about the impending pilgrimage to all things haute couture, hair, and histrionic. she very nicely conceptualized it for me:
"so basically you're just going so you can make fun of people?"

[uhm....yeah]

"but, i'm going to the state fair for the same reason next month".
(i'm an equal opportunities make funner of others, damnit!)

11 comments:

total-spender said...

Who's getting hitched?

disa said...

we're all getting hitched some day. however, in order to off-set any marital anxiety we decided to get some entertainment going to a bridal fair. it was pretty cheesy, actually.

total-spender said...

Unless your prospective partner is absolutely loaded, then I'm of the persuasion that marriage is overrated.

That said, some of the best drinking sessions I've had have been at weddings (you can't grumble at free booze and food!)

disa said...

yeah, youre exactly the kinda guest i wouldnt want mooching at my wedding ;) just there for the freebies, not to celebrate my love and comittment as you dab the tears leaking from your eyes and your heart softens that, yes, by george, true disney movie love can happen...(puke bags are complimentary)

total-spender said...

"as you dab the tears leaking from your eyes and your heart softens that, yes, by george," THE CHAMPAGNE HAS ALL BEEN DRUNK.

disa said...

you would have been a welcome addition at my brother's wedding...

Jill said...

Weddings do usually have dancing and alcohol, I'll say that for them.

Both those seem distinctly lacking in a bridal expo...but glad you had fun!!!!!!

disa said...

oooh, the debate rages on about whether to toast with sparkiling grape juice or alcohol, sometimes i have flashbacks of being in saudi arabia with the "no alcohol" rule.

Jill said...

Oh! Is alcohol a point of contention? I thought it was a given, except for Baptists. Now I'm going to have to go look at my wedding photos to see...nah...never mind.

total-spender said...

Sometimes (on rare occasions) I think grape juice can be good .......

disa said...

oh lordy! oh no, the evangelical right are dead against it. we (my parents) used to use grape juice (and a bag of sugar and box of yeast) in saudi days to make wine. i obviosuly come from a very religious catholic family and communion was VERY important (not).