it's so cold, you could cut reinforced steel with your nipples

severe weather is the only thing that could usurp the current orgiastic underage/premarital/republican/pregnant media ruckus occupying people magazine and the aqua netted TV "journalists" on fox news. the hysteria over precipitation in the northeast (or midwest, or san diego for that matter) is commensurate with the release of a new harry potter book, or the naan bread being refilled at the $4.99 indian lunch buffet.

i am beginning to question the reality of the "new england winter". salesmen at lowes, ex's mothers, friends who would not be able to identify the state of maine on a map, have provided the reassuring posture of an epileptic bobble head that it gets cold-- very cold-- "up there". winter is now the scary monster in the basement, or nessie, or the abominable snowman...maybe nancy reagan, without her make-up, wearing saran-wrap.

the opinions of others (except when it comes to liking me) are generally disregarded. this was reinforced after several repeated cautions that a 45 minute hike through mammoth cave, kentucky was going to be more physically grueling than pulling a london bus, with my teeth, while having a case of delhi belly.

perhaps it is denial, but as a 10 year resident of the ohio valley, i have seen meteorological meltdowns supersized to texas hair proportions. all the naysayers are invited up for crustasceans and butter- capilene, monogrammed fleece underwear will be waiting for each of you.

conditions are "ripe" for a tornado

bananas, paula radcliffe's socks after the london marathon, and my armpits when i have flown into bahrain from the states are all pretty ripe. today i assumed the same applied to the earth's atmosphere, i appear to have misheard the several hundred overhead warning pages at work- conditions are "right" (incidentally, i had no idea that simply closing the blinds could stop tornadoes). apparently i have not been watching enough of the "we're going to die" channel, or i really do have a problem with minimization. tornadoes, or as technical meteorological lingo calls them; "severe weather" are, in my opinion, like aeroplane crashes and STD's- they happen to "other people". these "other people" are generally living in the trailer parks of middle indiana. my denial has been challenged that while i might escape the tornado, i cant necessarily escape the doublewide coming towards me at 70mph.

i am not versed in the ways (or hysteria) of "severe weather". however, if anyone wants advice on how to put on a gas mask, or tape up their house in preparation for a scud missile attack, i can be of assistance.