yee-haaaaaaaaaaaarrr! *

any remaining thoughts that maine was over run with hot, but edgey looking models from the patagonia catalogue, have been ousted by the reality that most residents hate winter, and are as familiar with ski's, snowboards, and syrup as the assumption that all californians shoot out of the womb on a surf board, munching sushi rolls.

snowstorms appear to be a retail redneck repellant, where wal-mart's statewide are missing the usual trolley gauntlet in the canned meat and cheese aisle-- because their "guests" are racing snow mobiles at the nearest body of frozen water.

the "snowdeo", predictably sponsored by budweiser, has more corn dogs per frigid square foot, than the midway at the kentucky state fair. i can only hope that they actually have monster trucks (with chains on the tyres) launching over school buses.



* new england hillbilly translation

helpless lady driver seeks competent chauffeur for winter commute

i would rather pay $90 for a colonic irrigation that cleanses my rectum with tabasco sauce, than to go out and drive in the snow again.

already traumatized from subjecting the dog to her: "she needs to have all vaccinations updated before we will board her while you do your abandoning and bugger off to the other side of the planet for a couple of weeks", the journey back from the animal hospital did little to ameliorate my heightened state of anxiety; i lost traction; just outside the car park; halfway back up the hill. i incorrectly assumed that i would be impervious to mother nature as i had chosen to take the "winter friendly" VW, as opposed to my own "purchased in southern california" automobile- which lacks the relevant vehicular features appropriate for frozen tundra. ironically, as i am less familiar with this car, i was unable to locate the rear wiper, temperature control, or even passenger air blower button. however, both mine and the dog's bums were nice and toasty despite our lack of visibility or forward mobility.

unlike previous experience in sandy terrain, we were not sinking and stuck; gravitational movement was very much evident in a downhill direction. to distract myself from the imminent probability of damsel tears, i panic dialed a friend in; "somewhere-it-snows-a-lot-michigan", to be coached through my distress and shock that this all wheel weather beast was giving a sub par performance (other cars were pulling around me).

"did you press the AWD button?"

"button?" [like knight rider? what if i press the wrong button and reilly is launched into the cold, white abyss?].

"it's no different than starting to ride your mountain bike up the middle of a hill". [you mean, aside from the deductible on my car insurance tripling after i skid off into a ditch or a volvo station wagon?].

fortunately a pick up truck with one of those ginormous shovel thingies attached to the front bumper (and red cape hanging off the back) stopped and offered assistance.

"i'm using first gear"..."just moved here"..."all wheel drive"............................
..."i grew up in saudi arabia".

"luke" commandeered the wheel and wanted to know which button would stop the arctic wind blasting through the vent [did he not see the blonde hair when he pulled over?]. mute, i shook it at him again; saudi arabia explained my inability to operate in snow, hair pigment (and plummy accent) should be sufficient enough reason for anything else he might need to know. he turned us around and plotted a flatter, non-GPS calculated course, back to my destination. unfortunately this wasn't an "A to B, stop signs not included" route (i haven't got to the chapter on 'how to brake in snow' yet). fortunately this car has a little graphic of a skid marks that illuminates (no shit), to let me know when i am, in fact, preparing to become more mechanically intimate with the school bus in front. might i suggest an "oh shit" light for the '09 model?

thankfully, motorist, dog, and vehicle made it back to the driveway physically unscathed.

(not after being overtaken by a freshly permed grandma, manning a subaru).

it's so cold, you could cut reinforced steel with your nipples

severe weather is the only thing that could usurp the current orgiastic underage/premarital/republican/pregnant media ruckus occupying people magazine and the aqua netted TV "journalists" on fox news. the hysteria over precipitation in the northeast (or midwest, or san diego for that matter) is commensurate with the release of a new harry potter book, or the naan bread being refilled at the $4.99 indian lunch buffet.

i am beginning to question the reality of the "new england winter". salesmen at lowes, ex's mothers, friends who would not be able to identify the state of maine on a map, have provided the reassuring posture of an epileptic bobble head that it gets cold-- very cold-- "up there". winter is now the scary monster in the basement, or nessie, or the abominable snowman...maybe nancy reagan, without her make-up, wearing saran-wrap.

the opinions of others (except when it comes to liking me) are generally disregarded. this was reinforced after several repeated cautions that a 45 minute hike through mammoth cave, kentucky was going to be more physically grueling than pulling a london bus, with my teeth, while having a case of delhi belly.

perhaps it is denial, but as a 10 year resident of the ohio valley, i have seen meteorological meltdowns supersized to texas hair proportions. all the naysayers are invited up for crustasceans and butter- capilene, monogrammed fleece underwear will be waiting for each of you.

haemorrhoids & (frost) heaves

motion sickness is not something i am often plagued with. however, this past week i experienced a new and exciting way to bring me closer to my own bile; frost heaves. these phenomena are the conjoined twins of the pot hole. for the unschooled (or non new englanders), water freezes and expands under the road's surface, creating a tarmac "pimple". the entire northeast's thoroughfares are peppered with potholes and frost heaves, requiring additional padding in your trousers or the seats of your subaru (the official 'state car' of maine and new hampshire) to decrease jarring to any errant haemorrhoids.

my rectal massage continued during the beechcraft 1900D flight from manchester to laguardia. in other words, i found myself climbing onto and into, an elongated toilet tube with wings and propellors. there were no overhead bins, no colgate toothpaste smiling hosties "welcoming [me] aboard", no toilets, and no bulletproof, reinforced steel door separating terroristic passengers from the cockpit. the cabin lighting had less wattage than a portable booklight, and i tripped over the giant hump in the centre of the aisle (one seat along each sidewall), which was actually the aircraft's undercarriage. the plane was equipped with tray tables, fan vents, and floatation devices in our "seat bottoms". however i couldn't identify where the oxygen masks were supposed to drop from, for my pre-flight "i am going to die in this thing, but at least i'm already packaged and ready to go in my prefab coffin" hyperventilation.

the plane (and subsequently my stomach, and consequently my anxiety) shifted at every bump, air pocket, and pigeon farting south of the equator. fortunately i had already called a (3 day) moratorium on nail biting and cuticle picking, so there was plenty for me to "harvest" during the 50 minute flight.

landing was an awesome experience, not simply because i was still alive, the flight was over, and my breakfast had remained in place. it's not too often i get to see the approach and taxi through the big window in front, however the bullet proof doors are probably a better deterrant to my jumping into the first officer's lap and whimpering like an infant.

a snowstorm during rush hour in louisville; the new last frontier (?)

i grew up in the desert, i dont "do" snow. apparently mother nature would disagree.

all day, the local weathermen have been building up into an orgiastic frenzy at the possibility of giant snow drifts, carnage on the roads, and a baked bean shortage at all the local supermarkets. as a habitual minimizer, i pooh-poohed such histrionics, and drove my multi-layered self to the park for a run (marathon training has begun), i was also looking forward to lunch table bragging rights the following day- it's good to be a martyr. aside from the mucous-icles hanging from mine and melinderrr's nostrils, we got in 2.4 miles before diving into our snow covered cars. this was also the point at which she shoved a selection of hand made truffles, that one of her swanky-dank sous chef friends made, at me. taking into consideration my lack of impulse control around cocoa based products, my plan was to leave them in the car overnight and force them on co-workers (who are less vain than i), the next day.

unfortunately the return commute from the park was not pleasant. people in kentucky do not know how to drive in snow. i cannot drive in snow. socrates was right, i know myself; i prefer not to. creeping along in 1st or 2nd gear, and gripping the steering wheel around anything that does not resemble a straight throughfare is my "defensive driving". and i have no control over the other fools who appear to think that snow on the ground means its NASCAR season.

apparently my body went into "survival mode" while sitting for 45 minutes in snow storm traffic. the truffles are gone.