parlez vous proper francais?

gagnon, chabot, bilodeau, belvieu, thibodeau, plouffe-- this is not the wine list from macaroni grill. the upper northeast is teeming with third generation french people; displaced progeny of second generation immigrants from across the quebec border.

i got a B for G.C.S.E. french, as evidenced by an unexceptional talent for writing crappy postcards to fictitious, nerdy penpals about my love of 'le babyfoot' and other vocabulary from the chapter on "activities and hobbies", in addition to learning the fundamentals of rolling r's, consonants, (ch) and vowels (eau). it is therefore my assessment that these are not the 'stripey shirt and string of onions' wearing frenchmen; the accent isn't so much watered down, as pureed with high fructose corn syrup.

as someone who has learned how to use the aviation alphabet when spelling out first, last, and nicknames, as a routine part of any telephonic transaction, it is surprising, the level of umbrage taken on the other end of the phone, when i ask for a supplementary break down, because i am unable to pull up a medical record based on the 'americanadianmouthfullofpaperclips' pronunciation.

at least in kentucky they bastardize the names enough so that it becomes phonetically understandable. *. even the more recent trend of using multiple apostrophes and consonants from the left hand side of the key board is patiently spelled out for me during an intake.

spell my sobriquet, frenchie!


*verrrrrrr-sayles.

what to expect when you're not expecting

those in some other galaxy of "know" preach that having a dog is good practice for eventual human procreation. if that is the case, my children can expect to hear repeated variations of: "you little shit, we just went through the whole toileting routine, and now you leave a little pile of stinky brown soft serve on the persian rug??? that's it, you're going in your cage!"



rationalizations, from the non-breeders, include; "it's less work than a human"-- except that you can strap infants in nappies and not have to worry about them leaving an easter bunny turd trail in their wake; "the other dog needs to maintain her social skills"-- incessant biting and obsessive bum sniffing?; "there are no 59 hours of alternating constipation-diarrhea contractions and torn taints"-- sold. and despite the shared narcolepsy of puppies and teengers, it is socially acceptable to have the former fixed at 6 months in order to avoid future 'babymomma drama'- perhaps the DMV could issue a "spay and neuter your teen" license plate.



any ambition of creating room by room pottery barn catalogue stills, have been eclipsed by a version of feng shui sponsored by petsmart. and as new "parents", we are 'born again' as hirsute sasquatches; the conversion is complete. should dementia set in before menopause, or alcohol impedes my ability to locate the fridge, a permanent hansel and gretel installation plots swift passage to the pinot grigio, by way of chewable pig ears/saliva marinated rope/equally saturated puppy paraphernalia.



encouraging your human children to fight like roseanne&tom or kim&alec, or launch from furniture to body slam a sibling, is generally considered unacceptable unless your family is an original cast member of jackass. and supernanny would not condone holding a laptop with camera and skype running, for family members in the UK and middle east to view the real time, domestic assault.



chewing on animate and inanimate articles is a shared commonality between anthropoid and canid. and based on my own surveillance, flip flops, leashes, faeces, bike pumps, swiffers, box cutters, and siblings should all be placed out of reach of the teething moppet.



fortunately my TESL certificate is coming in handy for loquacious conversational english with an emphasis on present tense verbs: "sit", "pee!", "poo", "out", and "stop". more complex sentence structures incorporate a proper noun; "no axel", used interchangeably with "no asshole! get down!"



as with all relationships, or at least my own collection of ambivalent trysts, the reunion makes all the the waiting, growling and dry humping worthwhile. sometimes i just sit in the driveway for half an hour so i can walk in the front door to be greeted with: "oh-my-god-you-really-came-back-i'm-so-relieved-when-are-you-going-to-feed-me?" leap and lick-fest.



like the new parent, i find the ear hair, hiccups, doggie bed desecration, sprawling sleep and frozen peesicles endearing and worthy of immediate photographic documentation.



and toilet training is never fun under any conditions, where poos have now become a corporeal rorschach of connect the dots in the snow.



i certainly did not expect to log so many hours staring in anticipation at the dog's bum for impending anal dilation, all so that i could be a cookie dispensing cheerleader.

i love carbohydrates

the way to someone's heart is through their stomach, although i think a straight shot through the chest with a butcher knife might be a more effective use of time. today i was informed that men are like waffles, and women are like spaghetti.

waffles: organized, ordered, separated, clearly defined, compartmentalized.

spaghetti: disorganized, touches everything and itself, chaotic.

one of my favourite memories as a child, was when my dad taught me to throw spaghetti at the wall to see if it was done.

i think the gluten-a-phobes are seriously missing out.

when meta-analysis goes bad

aaah, valentines, the time when girls get creative and introspective about how to bid/buy/craft/sautee/cross stitch the perfect gift- and not just for their significant other. the over achievers in the ranks also proffer tokens to their female friends. this year i went with the "thoughtful but cheap" option; personalized mix cd's.

i should have thought about how the super analytical mental health professional recipients would try and interpret the music selection. "youre so vain" was not an observation about my marathon training buddy, but simply a fun song to screech along to in the car, or at mile 15. however, other songs were chosen for the "mope in a bubble bath with scented candles and listen to meaningful lyrics" factor. perhaps i should have asterisked them according to selection motivation.

my own lesson is to be mindful that sometimes others interpret what i do/say more or less than i had intended, as do i with them. of course this should always be considered against the variable of monthly mood swings.

"it's mega maid; she's gone from suck to blow" (or empathy & affirmation)

i am not a big fan of mirrors and their annoyingly blatant reflections, however i recently had an opportunity to experience what it would be like to date myself-- thankfully, i can appreciate excessive amounts of garlic.

i have been known to exhibit the emotional availability of an ironing board, while pushing the rejection and abandonnment buttons in other people. however, a mere sneeze activates my own. which is why i do not usually run or chase "after"- too risky, and i speak as the person who wont throw blue jeans in with "the whites", or cut in before her "youre sitting so far back in the plane you'll be assuming the fetal position in the nose cone" group is called at the departure gate.

it is hard to continuously put oneself out there emotionally, physically, and verbally when it feels like a black hole is vacuum super sucking all of these things, and the direction is only one way (away) (or my way). the hoover has been retired; it is time to stand, wait and reflect back (and wait).

still not a big fan of mirrors, but they're a lot more fun to look into after you've had a long over due make-over.

that's (not) what she said

lumping things together into thematic sets makes life so much easier for those of us who are easily overwhelmed. however, lumping together a series of miscommunications as a thematic "event" can be rather overwhelming.

"communication breakdown" is the ultimate relationship/corporate speak-ese. however, we get to practice this way of conversing (or not) when we are still young enough to "snack" from our own noses. "chinese whispers" (the not so ethnically appropriate descriptor), or what americans call "telephone" is heard on playgrounds the world over. where my earliest confessions that "my brother is a big farter" morphed into "my mother has a big heart". my plan to embarrass and humiliate the bain of my life wound up embarrassing me as a "mummy's girl".

as adults, we are certainly no better at listening, or our filter is just set to "high" (er), because there is so much more to track/follow up on/pencil in/analyze/monitor/explore/assess/oversee/diversify/tabulate/regulate/approve/test/audit/survey. combine this with a "national enquirer" tinted lens, and co-workers/spouses/peers shift from fairly boring individuals to emotionally capricious ninja's with a penchant for most 'verb+ ism's'.

this past week i would quite like to have dispensed a few "chinese burns" (after all was said, re-said and done).