Thursday, April 29, 2010

a "jackass" baby story

midgets jumping into ceiling fans, colonic irrigation with blenders and a geriatric's supermarket trolley derby around parking garages are just a few of my favourite things.

so when an unmarried, childless, slowly re-forming comittment averse (i have managed to keep a labrador alive for over a year) female is responsible for co-facilitating a gathering dedicated solely to the recently knocked up, the experience quickly becomes an exercise in anxiety regulation.

in order to fully establish an atmosphere conducive to celebrating 'soon-to-be-screaming-and-incontinent-100%-dependent-upon-you' life, one must first set the mood. so, rather than resorting to the ever popular pink/blue/"we don't want to know yellow" colour palette, a simple black and orange provides a natural backdrop for decorating with both dremel and craftsman products (and can be re-used later at halloween).

now traditionally, showers require organized group "fun" for both 'soon-to-be...' and guests to enjoy-- which means playing with safety pins, toilet paper, and other random paraphernalia from the storage closet and kitchen junk drawer. however, in keeping with the current theme, friends and family are able to mark the occasion with a few rounds of spin the breast milk bottle, pin the cracked nipple on the engorged boob, and a rollicking game of old fashioned fetus pinata. energy levels are thus sustained by an ongoing buffet; placenta pie, mucous plug milkshakes, and the crowd pleaser, afterbirth bruschetta.

finally; presents. it should be noted that this registry is sponsored by johnny knoxville and beatrix potter.

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