forget pricey trips to india for the purpose of fine tuning your downward facing dog with a leathery octogenarian wrapped in charmin. rather than investing $88 in registration plus flights, hotel and new shoes to shuffle arm pit to arm pit for 26 miles around new york city at 5am, there is a new and better way to shed those unwanted layers of bruschetta, triple chocolate organic cookie dough, and family sized bottles of moscato, that are gripping in barnacles of cellulite to your upper thighs.
the "puppy plan" has an extensive menu to cover all vegan-kosher-lactose-gluten-picky-eater tastes. the 18-24 month regimen includes as many AA batteries, fridge magnets, egg shells, banana peels, and electric toothbrush points, as you want. it is also supplemented with a high-impact workout commencing promptly at 8am and 5:30pm, daily. it incorporates cardio (leaping off the ottoman onto other domesticated animals), pilates (stretching into the kitchen sink to lick the cereal bowl), and co-ordination and balance (rug surfing down two flights of stairs into the recycling).
side effects include flourescent coloured shits and some seriously pissed off housemates.