Friday, February 20, 2009

polygamy is the answer to a more fulfilling relationship

all newly married, heterosexual women should be issued a wife, along with their 50th anniversary boxed edition monopoly from the target wedding registry. that whole "first year of marriage is the hardest" could then fade into the past along with the giant swatch watch from your pre-adolescent bedroom wall.

most women (as long as they are not my former polysubstance abusing pothead roomate) will appreciate the effort, as evidenced by little offerings from hallmark with specific descriptors for each individual thoughtful act of de-fuzzing the dryer lint trap, throwing out the last dribble of milk instead of putting it back in the fridge, or chucking random cultures and ethnicities of dark wash jeans/over priced for the amount of fabric white camisole/sweat encrusted bike shorts into one load of laundry set to 'broil'.

barring the obvious sterotypes relating to yawning toilet seats and tv remotes locked to fox news, your government issued wife will eradicate any reservations about sending the significant other off to the supermarket, where, despite daily use of fat free vanilla creamer in a blue bottle, he will stlll manage to come home with a yellow bottle of full fat caramel.

the home bathroom will never smell like a public loo again. flimsy, metal dry cleaning hangers will not overrun the wardrobe of the nicer, wooden ones from ikea. supervision of the miniature four (and eventual two) legged residents will no longer be a concern for forgetful or attention deficient partners that drop all manner of choking hazards for their young charges to encounter.

would it be greedy to register for two as a his and hers set- "his" being the wart covered troll wife with halitosis and chronic alopecia.

1 comment:

St Clare said...

A brilliant idea. Please can I have? thanks.