Wednesday, December 17, 2008

helpless lady driver seeks competent chauffeur for winter commute

i would rather pay $90 for a colonic irrigation that cleanses my rectum with tabasco sauce, than to go out and drive in the snow again.

already traumatized from subjecting the dog to her: "she needs to have all vaccinations updated before we will board her while you do your abandoning and bugger off to the other side of the planet for a couple of weeks", the journey back from the animal hospital did little to ameliorate my heightened state of anxiety; i lost traction; just outside the car park; halfway back up the hill. i incorrectly assumed that i would be impervious to mother nature as i had chosen to take the "winter friendly" VW, as opposed to my own "purchased in southern california" automobile- which lacks the relevant vehicular features appropriate for frozen tundra. ironically, as i am less familiar with this car, i was unable to locate the rear wiper, temperature control, or even passenger air blower button. however, both mine and the dog's bums were nice and toasty despite our lack of visibility or forward mobility.

unlike previous experience in sandy terrain, we were not sinking and stuck; gravitational movement was very much evident in a downhill direction. to distract myself from the imminent probability of damsel tears, i panic dialed a friend in; "somewhere-it-snows-a-lot-michigan", to be coached through my distress and shock that this all wheel weather beast was giving a sub par performance (other cars were pulling around me).

"did you press the AWD button?"

"button?" [like knight rider? what if i press the wrong button and reilly is launched into the cold, white abyss?].

"it's no different than starting to ride your mountain bike up the middle of a hill". [you mean, aside from the deductible on my car insurance tripling after i skid off into a ditch or a volvo station wagon?].

fortunately a pick up truck with one of those ginormous shovel thingies attached to the front bumper (and red cape hanging off the back) stopped and offered assistance.

"i'm using first gear"..."just moved here"..."all wheel drive"............................
..."i grew up in saudi arabia".

"luke" commandeered the wheel and wanted to know which button would stop the arctic wind blasting through the vent [did he not see the blonde hair when he pulled over?]. mute, i shook it at him again; saudi arabia explained my inability to operate in snow, hair pigment (and plummy accent) should be sufficient enough reason for anything else he might need to know. he turned us around and plotted a flatter, non-GPS calculated course, back to my destination. unfortunately this wasn't an "A to B, stop signs not included" route (i haven't got to the chapter on 'how to brake in snow' yet). fortunately this car has a little graphic of a skid marks that illuminates (no shit), to let me know when i am, in fact, preparing to become more mechanically intimate with the school bus in front. might i suggest an "oh shit" light for the '09 model?

thankfully, motorist, dog, and vehicle made it back to the driveway physically unscathed.

(not after being overtaken by a freshly permed grandma, manning a subaru).

1 comment:

mansuetude said...

my whole house and all its contents still laughing from the first line!

yes, mam, we learn to drive in that stuff... must not gun the power, go slow on the gas pedal, gently cling and clutch the tires to the ground and it will crawl out and onward...

beautiful writer.