Wednesday, August 6, 2008

fart proof knickers

the question was posed; if a boy farts in the woods, does the fart still smell like decomposing skunk armpit? this led to a series of deeply philosophical inquiries regarding the subjective deconstruction of "smell", value judgements that are subsequently placed on the more noxious ones, and a further exploration into the effects of excess nose hair, and how it potentially impacts the qualitative degree of odour detected; or-- the volume of fart fumes that formulate a level of density such that you can actually begin to chew on them.

while this dialogue proved to be a fascinating distraction from the arduous task of trundling down to the break room for coffee, the quest for a solution to the ultimate in flatulence faux pas proved to be infinitely more effective than caffeine at stimulating synapses for the day. the option of vaccuum sealed underwear, using non-porous materials, and elasticated waist/leg bands to trap random gas, was dismissed by virtue of the 'whoopee cushion' factor-- these can only be recommended for novices and activities/occupations involving a lot of standing (her royal highness could probably get a nice bulk discount on them for the guards at buckingham palace), with a cautionary disclaimer about using them for your "sunday best", given all of the stand up/sit down involved with wooden pews.

a new, technologically advanced "super knicker" would be designed specifically for the kinds of situations necessitating 'quick and sudden movement'; stadium events requiring you to do the "wave" more times than actual touchdowns are ever scored, or the paperwork clip board relay while waiting at the gynecologist's office. farts could be freely expelled through a "bi-focal" equivalent in your knickers, via individually scented filters that are inserted into centralized pockets just above the gusset; trapping, neutralizing, and dispersing the foul stench of your breakfast burrito. like febreeze and glade plug-ins, they would be available in lavender, white linen or a line of yankee candle's butterscotch cream. filters can then be purchased in weekly/monthly disposable re-fills, or for the more eco-friendly; machine washable that comes with a non-aerosol spray. the bonus marketing feature is obviously the dri-fit padded fibres that buffer embarrassing noises and offer additional absorbency for individuals with atrophied sphincter muscles.


mansuetude said...

your mind is shining. :)
do you really think the people you work with are going to let you go off to Maine? They will fall, deep into depression; or all of them will read your blog. Great "movement" through the whole piece. I am going to eat French Silk ice cream for breakfast and try to write! >)

Faisal said...

I like you blog, congratulations.

I like to travel a lto and if do you like travel you will love this blog:

I found surferd in google and it have good advices, pictures from a lot of places around the world...

It's really good

Disa said...

they keep muttering "quitter" when i pass them in the hall :)

go planet travel is a TEFL teacher's worst nightmare, or an amusing jaunt through the butchering of the english language for the rest of us...

bethany said...

Hate to burst your inventive bubble:

PS, I hate you for moving to Maine. Is it cold there? ;)

Disa said...

damn it! of course if YOU hadn't bloody left work/lunch table/wasting time at work holding babies, then i would have already known this.

i hear there are sand and camels in saudi arabia- it gets hot there, you know.