Monday, December 3, 2007

whats your laundry style?

match.com and it's other "swfwithgsohand5cats" on-line personals cousins may consider revising their initial 'personality compatability inventory lifestyle questionairres'. it would appear (through rigorous lunch table polling), that lack of synchronization in individual methods to achieve clean and orderly undies, are the primary risk factors in the 'happily ever after' sweepstakes. pollsters revealed that the act of doing laundry can span the continuum from the severely autistic; ordering of genres (shirts, trousers, daytime, bedtime), colours, % of viscose present, to the mildly obsessive-compulsive, ultimately devolving to pigpen from the peanuts cartoon proportions (also known as "go to the store and buy new underwear when you run out of clean/have turned clean inside out twice already").

disharmony can begin even before the selection of 'delicate' or 'regular' is made. the two camps comprise of the "soiled linen chefs", who make laundry broth (turn on the water and add detergent) before considering adding their unmentionables. versus the "throw everything into the crockpot and just add water" profile. the former have an alphabetized list of why it would behoove anyone to create a wet, soapy environment before incorporating other elements.

future predictors can also be found amongst the 'spray and stain' nazi's; 'to spray once the offending item has been removed so it can seep in until laundry day' or the; 'to not spray until laundry day where everything is methodically doused in bleach before immersion' is the pressing question. this can also be expanded into the attitude taken towards sweaty workout clothes and socks; 'hang to dry' versus 'sit proving like smelly, damp bread dough amongst the other clothes in the hamper' until laundry day.

compatability probability also needs to take into account the pouncers who wait to hear if the spin cycle has stopped (or like my mother, pre-empts the spin to ensure no creases are ever left), to snatch out all items with an underwire and technical wicking fabrics that must drip dry or die over any dead body, before going into the dryer. then there are those of us who habitually cant be bothered to take 30 seconds to tear off and use an anti-static cling dryer sheet (and passively-aggressively enjoy hearing their non laundry doing partners complain that they feel prickly and electrocutey?).

in the interests of word count and attention span (and frankly ironing is such a boring, waste of time) the bigger minefield of "folding the smalls" is the true litmus test for a couple's longevity. there are some, lets call them "all males", who insist on throwing their cotton boxers, t-shirt style cotton boxer briefs, dress socks, athletic socks and possibly even a few undershirts in one drawer, willy nilly. then there are their domestic counterparts, commonly identified as "most women", who sort the two styles and fabrics of boxers into separate piles, and further segregate them into their own drawer, away from the socks. note: even one missed laundry cycle by "most women", will see "all males" (not be prompted by the obvious visual cue already laid out), to proceed to chuck in sports socks/athletic socks/swimming shorts/belts into the formerly orderly drawer.

and this may be why, in countless therapist's offices, disgruntled housewives (or in bars and pubs), aggravated husbands, are complaining that they have to do all the laundry, or hear about how they are not doing any. ultimately, opposites attract. obsessives need their slackers so that they can be in charge, and slackers need the anally retentives to ensure that they have clean underwear they can find.

4 comments:

Kat said...

what kinda place takes polls on laundry styles at the lunch table anyway? Did you quit your job and follow your dry cleaning dream or something?

mansuetude said...

Laundry broth... ugh.
Electrocute-y 00 I love this word. You make words all new and willing to be shaken and tossed and awoken to new possibilities. I like.

disa said...

if i ran a laundry place i would know doubt make considerably more than i do now- plus i'd get to empty dryer lint all day...mmmm...soft fuzzy with a hint of spring meadow.

Jill said...

I hate doing laundry - hate it, hate it, hate it. I think it's the worst of all the household chores. Bleck.