Thursday, September 20, 2007

holy mole-y, batman!

every day at 8am, i walk into work with a "to do" list. my cognitive rehearsal has been played over ad infinitum. by 8:05 this is scrapped. plans are hijacked by meltdowns (staff as well as children), bum wiping (as previously cited), and minor surgical procedures. today, anyway. today, i was "cut", "shaved", and "burned"; or the unabridged version, "disa goes to the dermatologist" (and yes, i know it's about bloody time).

i got to recite the laundry list of dermal neuroses to my own personal jesus. my bible bump (he confirmed the "leave it alone" treatment protocol), the ringworm (he scraped at it with a razor), the "monthly" acne (prescription written), and the ever changing/growing/discolourating moles (an offer to slice off two of them).

fart.

at my last mole removal, i had a girlfriend hold my hand during the procedure (and make the call, and drive me to the office- i love my codependent friends). i do realize that mole excision is not open heart surgery, or even child birth, however for an avoider like myself, needles, anaesthesia, and removal of any parts of my flesh (unless i happen to be the one picking it off) brings me that much closer to my inner wimp. not to mention that i've had the moles in question, since i was born. the paedatrician even joked with my mother about a "third nipple", given their size and placement. yes, i'm a very sentimental soul.

the mole doctor finally won me over, not with the horrors of skin cancer, but the promise that cauterization would mean big scabs in a couple of days (something really juicy to pick at!). he administered the lidocaine, shaved and sizzled the first one, and then hacked away at the "nipple". cue: unsolicited, anxious, tangential monologue about what brought me to louisville, and my disappointment over the dearth of "horses, fried chicken, and rednecks". fortunately, there was a delay between his completion of the procedure, and the very acrid smell of burning flesh; specifically my burning flesh.

i left with two less moles, $35 less dollars, and a bag of samples to treat my ringworm. more importantly, i left without lectures on sun burn, sun screen, regular mole checks, and everything else that i routinely do/don't do.

6 comments:

total-spender said...

What ever happened to the masseur that you - ahem - failed to notify of said ringworm?

You were worries that she too, might catch it....

disa said...

she never said anything, so i never brought it up.

Anonymous said...

I think this blog would have had a more exciting finish if your co-dependant friend would have eaten the cut off moles, maybe warmed in the micro, and spread on a piece of toast!

Jill said...

Yikes! That sounds not very fun at all! I hope it all heals up quickly & advise you to refrain from petting any stray cats! (ringworm)

Corey said...

Ouuu Gross... You have juicey moles

disa said...

not any more! now i have mole holes, which are oozing juice!