Thursday, February 22, 2007

appliances

i believe i have electromagnetic impulses running through my body that shoot out of me like superhero laser beams. my targets; any and all electronic equipment. no, really.

i am not schizophrenic. but it seems that every time i try and use vacuum cleaners, microwaves, computers and particularly photocopiers, they stop functioning or start beeping and flashing their "broken" lights at me. i have noticed other people use these items routinely with little ill effect. i can patiently wait my turn, load up the machine, and then the paper gets jammed; all i have done is press "start/copy". i generally flail about for 10 minutes, opening and closing the same compartments repeatedly, until the person behind me presses the same button i just did, and it works! only 15 more to go, double sided, with staples. my good luck charm walks out of the room as it starts beeping at me again. at this point i regress to my inner 8 year old; "i didn't touch it, i swear! it just started doing that". this has happened too many times for me to believe it is just coincidence.

i will no longer be responsible for my own photocopying, vacuuming, laundry, ironing (not that i've needed to use the iron since i "broke" it, oh, 4 years ago), dishwashing, microwaving, blending, whisking, blowdrying or driving. i am currently interviewing for a personal assistant, housemaid, chauffeur, secretary, chef and hairstylist.

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