andy warhol was right

prepare the family sized box of tissues for a nose bleeding soap box of a rant.

i have a child on my "house" who has emotional and therefore learning and behavioural related issues. he is in a "regular" classroom with over 20 other children; he is learning nothing other than what he "cant do", and therefore creative ways of passing time and pissing off his teacher and peers. the argument given to me was that "labeling" this child would be detrimental to his self-esteem. therefore the obvious solution is to frustrate the shit out of him (and burn out all of his educators so that no one wants to work with him, or play 4 square with him at recess) until he truly meets criteria for "bee, capital dee".

apparently "name brand" is ok as long as it doesnt require psychotropic intervention.

dipping a toe in

i have a confession: i went to church. i am sort of embaressed to admit this given the years of organized religion bashing i have engaged in. i have been the perpetual resistant and defiant adolescent. it's true what "they" say, it isn't until you are so down and desperate that you start fishing around for something. admitting helplessness and lack of control over anything is not generally my forte, but it is at this point when an open mind can be brought to the table (although i used to think this was a vulnerable state for potential brainwashing).

i heard a lot about forgiveness yesterday, giving and receiving, again not a comfortable or natural state to submerge and swim around in. i am a chronic toe dipper; the people who i trust that are already in the pool can entreat me with "come on in, the water's great" til the cows come home, and it's not that i don't trust them, i just know myself. i will stay in the pool until my toes are wrinkled and pruney if i can just ease my way in metartarsal by metatarsal.

that said, i do like going to the pool with someone who does big, splashy bombs into the water.

letting go

when you hold on tightly, you cannot trust yourself or others with the consequences of letting go. this means moving forward. it means saying goodbye. you can forgive, but how do you forgive yourself if you cant forget what your own actions have created? if you let go of everything, what do you have left? if you keep running, eventually you have to stop. if you keep thinking, you never have to do. if you keep doing, you never have to think. if you keep arguing, you never have to be alone. if you dont trust, you never have to hurt. if you break trust, you never have to move beyond their inflicted pain. if you ignore, you never have to change. if you stay angry, blame, harbour guilt and bitterness, lie, conceal, ridicule, pretend, deny, obsess, resent, punish, remind, and control; you will be alone. you will lose because you cannot let go.

what just happened?

you can start the day off with no defined plan aside from the usual; brush teeth, do laundry, check email, and somewhere it morphs into a line of dominoes you had no idea would start toppling, but once they do, they just do. you dissociate and autopilot kicks in, and then everything is different. it feels different, and you cant think of it the way you did "before". the problem with things happening when they are not "part of the plan" is you were not prepared with how to deal with the problem. now what?

i (still) know how to take care of my oral hygiene.

co-dependents R us

there is nothing like the sting of learning something about yourself that you have routinely put on other people and have therefore successfully managed to ignore. the "c" word is not a dirty one, we are all somewhere on the continuum, simply by being human. i have stated numerous times that the field of mental health draws all kinds of wounded nutcases to pop their cognitive and psychoanalytic knuckles at, the "other" nutcases that is.

1) we all need to be needed by others, but it is generally not acceptable, or terribly effective, to assume others are helpless and therefore give yourself permission to go barreling into their personal lives and "fix" them, therefore proving the necessity of your presence. this approach can lead to some very pissed off friends and partners, or people who actually enjoy being routinely rescued from themselves.

2) no one likes a martyr. unless you're a young french woman named joan, or a man of the cloth, self sacrifice is not part of your job description. those (of us) who carry this role to include helping second cousins twice removed former college roomate's move house, while baking a pie for the dog sitter who is sick, are really more preoccupied with these behaviours being acknowledged and recognized by others than simply helping.

3) when taking responsibility for helping others problem solve or feel better is the only focus and source of identity, it leaves that individual with as much substance as the wicked witch after she has had water chucked at her.

no longer is it acceptable to whine "but i was only trying to help", a recipe for resentment and 3 course meal of anger is imminent. the struggle to stand by and watch others struggle who CAN is perhaps harder, but if you never allow yourself to practice doing something for yourself, like picking out what you want to wear (even if its rainboots and a sun dress), changing a tyre, or making a life decision, then you become known as the local statue of liberty "come all ye who are sick, wounded..." or start filling out your application to grad school to become a therapist.