fart proof knickers

the question was posed; if a boy farts in the woods, does the fart still smell like decomposing skunk armpit? this led to a series of deeply philosophical inquiries regarding the subjective deconstruction of "smell", value judgements that are subsequently placed on the more noxious ones, and a further exploration into the effects of excess nose hair, and how it potentially impacts the qualitative degree of odour detected; or-- the volume of fart fumes that formulate a level of density such that you can actually begin to chew on them.

while this dialogue proved to be a fascinating distraction from the arduous task of trundling down to the break room for coffee, the quest for a solution to the ultimate in flatulence faux pas proved to be infinitely more effective than caffeine at stimulating synapses for the day. the option of vaccuum sealed underwear, using non-porous materials, and elasticated waist/leg bands to trap random gas, was dismissed by virtue of the 'whoopee cushion' factor-- these can only be recommended for novices and activities/occupations involving a lot of standing (her royal highness could probably get a nice bulk discount on them for the guards at buckingham palace), with a cautionary disclaimer about using them for your "sunday best", given all of the stand up/sit down involved with wooden pews.

a new, technologically advanced "super knicker" would be designed specifically for the kinds of situations necessitating 'quick and sudden movement'; stadium events requiring you to do the "wave" more times than actual touchdowns are ever scored, or the paperwork clip board relay while waiting at the gynecologist's office. farts could be freely expelled through a "bi-focal" equivalent in your knickers, via individually scented filters that are inserted into centralized pockets just above the gusset; trapping, neutralizing, and dispersing the foul stench of your breakfast burrito. like febreeze and glade plug-ins, they would be available in lavender, white linen or a line of yankee candle's butterscotch cream. filters can then be purchased in weekly/monthly disposable re-fills, or for the more eco-friendly; machine washable that comes with a non-aerosol spray. the bonus marketing feature is obviously the dri-fit padded fibres that buffer embarrassing noises and offer additional absorbency for individuals with atrophied sphincter muscles.

"i saw this and thought of you"

thus spake our clinical director when he returned from his vacation to germany.

(awwwwww).

pret a porter: colostomy bags

fortunately, i have no need for one of these medical accessories, and subsequently, know very little about them. however, because i am always interested in expanding my trivial pursuit options under the category "fecal family"; google + lunch table = another blog about poo.

unfortunately the lunch table were not particularly helpful in supplementing my scant knowledge of the subject. as evidenced by one colleague assuming that colostomy bags were hooked onto IV drip poles, to then be dragged around like a toy poodle. and while gravity would certainly be a friend of diarrhea in this scenario, constipation and an elevated catheter could prove both uncomfortable and messy. matte would obviously be recommended over an opaque bag, but the visibility of an IV rigged colostomy is an untapped market for design geeks, staring at their mac's, somewhere in southeast asia.

internet research identified two main varieties that are available for consumers; a more contemporary model, featuring a wax seal, versus the traditional 'belt and bag'. for those not willing to go the ebay route, bags typically retail between $5 and $40-- the difference between a "jansport" and a ballistic, neoprene, and moisture wicking "north face" version. alternative prototypes might feature nike's swoosh logo (an ever present reminder of the task at hand) and plenty of sponsorship at ironman events; louis vuitton and coach to co-ordinate and accessorize for long haul travel; a simple CK to match the never-to-be-soiled undies; and ikea's edition would come flatpacked, in cherry, ash, or black (matte). wikipedia also reported that flatulence exits the same way as solid waste, making bag changing a doubly intense experience. this does present a nice opportunity for an accompanying line of personal colostomy cologne.

marketing would be simple (and exclusive to skymall). never again would you have to climb over someone's lap on an aeroplane. "window seat every time? don't want to sit in the middle (of 5) for the 6 hour plus voyage across the atlantic? no problem, i'll switch my exit row aisle with you: i'm packing the colostomy 2000".

http://www.poopreport.com/ (you know you want to).

definitely no farting

upon entering the lift ("elevator" for the 3 american readers) at UofL's hospital to visit an employee who just "hatched", i fixated on a sign instructing me to "remember elevator etiquette". my mind began boggling. categories could probably be divided into bodily functions; bodily fluids; personal space; verbal interactions with others (real, fictional, deceased); compulsive button pushing behaviours; nudity. i would really like to see the sign with an addendum or at least a couple of concrete bullet points. of course they would also have to be in braille.

two days later i found myself in another lift. this one did not have a "please remember" sign. it might explain the guy with a cane, trying to fart on marvin the martian.


for a more comprehensive list of do's and don'ts:
http://www.elevatorrules.com/

not the queen's english

i am certified to teach imperatives, superlatives, and past participles to the square root of the future imperfect tense. however, vocabulary, particularly the multisyllabic variety, is my one true mistress. recently i have expanded my lexical set for "excrement" by two.

the verb, to shart (this would be a fun one to conjugate) means; the purposeful intent of farting, but accidentally releasing more than just air.

to cropdust (use in a sentence): "he walked into the cocktail party and cropdusted all the guests". however, this does not give a true context for the behaviour, particularly as no aeroplanes or fields of corn were referenced. rather "cropdusting" refers to the act of releasing noxious flatulence, in your wake, for others to enjoy.

my scrabble game is going to improve exponentialy.

the sarcastic sharts? TBA...

i agreed to play on a flag football team that one of my co-workers is putting together. i have never played football (american, not rest of the world), i do not understand football, i dont even watch the superbowl. it showed.

our group assembled at a local park on saturday morning, where the male/female ratio was (inexplicably) in favour of the ladies. we practiced how to throw (and catch) the ball correctly. during this warm up phase, i did indeed catch the ball. with my face.

once on the field, things did improve. i was issued very concrete 3 step directives "move forward 5 steps, head right and be prepared to catch". i did in fact catch the ball, however, i was so shocked that i'd actually caught it (not to mention feeling all gloaty on the inside) that i neglected to move with ball in hand, and an opponent yanked the flag from my belt.

football does have an entirely new lexical set that i am not familiar with; "rushing", "i-formation", and "other terms i cant remember now". however, a team name is something i can contribute my thoughts and creativity to; considering the excess of biting wit, and universal interest in all things fecal, i am holding out for "the sarcastic sharts". it would make a great t-shirt.

scatology

stamp collectors, train spotters, and thimble enthuthiasts; all of them have a peculiar, but dogged fascination with their own personal "muse". while i do not harbour secret stashes in rubbermaid boxes under the bed, i have acquired a lot of poo paraphernalia (in the form of books, remote controlled fart machine, fart pots, plastic turds et al.). i am fortunate enough to be able to develop and explore my interests (and get paid hourly for it) during the work day. considering 95% of the population on my unit, at work, is under 5 years old, i have an opportunity to talk about poo every day if i choose.

(i choose).

yesterday, i spent over an hour watching and encouraging (i squatted, grunted, and made fart sounds) a 5 year old (with some significant developmental and expressive language/communication delays) dance around, and dip his toes and/or hands into the toilet, without ever actually depositing the graham crackers/tinned peaches/sloppy joe/lemon cake he had consumed several hours prior. he has not yet made the abstraction that a large (ish) hole filled with water is a place to relinquish control of one's sphincter. put him in some pull ups however, and packs of pavlov's dogs are taking dumps to the grunts this child issues forth.

still no turd in the toilet.

creative thinking

for those of you who wonder if i am exaggerating when i say i blog on the toilet...

number one, two or three?

it has already been established that i pee in the shower. it amazes me how many people dont (or at least deny it in polite company, and i do not ask when in polite company). no one over the age of eighteen months will admit to # 2 in the shower. one person (male) admitted to # 3 in the shower.

???

a show of hairy hands went up.

(oh).

lavatorial humour- not just a brit thing.

poo and farts are funny, even just saying the words without the visual and/or sound effect is sufficient to get me giggling, as a number of people can attest to. i own a remote controlled fart machine with 5 settings whose batteries are long dead from overuse- mostly at work. i was also given a pair of flip flops several birthdays ago that had pictures of dog turds in the grass on both the upper and lower sole. this was the ultimate in birthday presents, and i immediately went on line to order a pair for both my brother and dad for xmas.

last week, in a desperate attempt to engage a group of surly teenagers away from the chargers game, i inflicted flubber on the hospital. for the unversed, flubber is borax, water, and white glue. when combined it takes on the consistency of snot and melted mozzarella. as you continue to knead it the texture becomes more marshmallow-like and thus perfect for making flatulent noises with the aid of a coffee mug. the adolescents' (and staffs') interest in cheering the team on to the superbowl gave way to who could make the loudest and/or longest sounding fart. they were laughing, talking, interacting and even insightful enough to be able to identify the therapeutic value of the activity.

the following day i decided to introduce flubber to my adult outpatient group. contrary to my anxiety that it would go down like a "shit sandwich at a church picnic" (my brother's quote) they were able to get out of their comfort zones and giggled like a group of small children while trying to disrupt the group next door with their noises. one patient (who was on the verge of being hospitalized) declared that she hadn't had such a strong belly laugh in longer than she cared to remember. i am undecided as to whether i will be taking flubber onto the senior unit, the sound is all too familiar there without the addition of my therapy science project.