keep calm and carry on

i was about six or seven when why my avi died. we were living in the united arab emirates at the time, and i remember seeing my mum take that phone call- all of it. we flew back to england for the funeral, it was cold, everyone was crying, i didn't want to be part of any of that.

my amma passed away when i was 17, i was at boarding school, i got the phone call from my mum, she was so upset, i couldn't say anything to make it go away, i knew she was overwhelmed by it all, i couldn't and wouldn't try and empathize with her, because then i had to deal with the concept that one day it would be her, and she would be me. so instead of going home that weekend, i went to my friend's birthday party- my mum told me i should go. then we had her funeral, i was there, we were all there, i felt the same way i did when i was six.

i am 36, today my dziadza passed away. he was old, he had been struggling with cancer, but he was one of those people who was just invincible. he got caught up in the chaos of world war two as a young boy; sent by train to siberia from poland, separated from his family. he fought for his country and for freedom for europe, he came to england with my babcia and married her at 16. he had some made for movie type stories.

i have a friend who's family get together for dinner twice a year- well, more than twice a year- but twice a year as the 'original five'; mum, dad and three girls. no spouses, no kids, just them; before all the major life stuff happened. she knows that some day there will be a place setting missing at the table. now that my dziadz is gone, i know this means everyone moves up a place. and i move back to my place of 'not thinking about it'.