col·pos·co·py [kol-pos-kuh-pee] noun. it sounds so much friendlier in the medical lexicon than "pap smear with fondue fork".
i've had one of these done before; i know what to expect.
"oh, your blood pressure is slightly high today, i wonder if you're just anxious about the procedure...?"
[well, maybe if you had a cocktail and some peanuts on that metal trolley over there, oh wait, no, just long swabs, and a bunch of steel skewers in sanitized packaging, how about i lie back here on this sanitary napkin throw pillow and just relax].
if hasidic jews can fornicate through a 200 thread count sheet, then i honestly don't understand why, in this day and age, we can't have a more puritan approach to the pap.
and why do we need another person in the room?
"are you her back up? will you be sitting on me in case i decide to jump up and run?"
"no, she's here to pass me things."
and before the good doctor could even wax lyrical about the weather/holiday plans/my inconsequentially tipped uterus i steered the conversation to something far more comfortable; "so, do you have many people fart in your face when you do one of these?"
bless her, she started laughing into my crotch, "20 minutes ago, actually. occasionally, even with a little something solid".
i was told to come back in four months for a follow up probe. i'm bringing the fart machine next time.