Tuesday, February 10, 2009

pret a porter

inches of glossy airbrushed magazine space are dedicated to the practice of minimizing and streamlining your purse, paunch, relationships, refrigerator and wardrobe. my own closet is not porcine with "two less cartons of edy's a month and i'll get into that" outfits. it certainly doesn't give that malnourished, nasal fashionista hosting 'what not to wear' anything more than a tinkerbell t-shirt from target to get her diamante calvin klein knickers in a twist over; there are plenty of outfits 'waiting to happen'. unfortunately, my assembly skills are also the same when i have a trolley load of shopping. fresh basil, sun dried tomato, garlic and olive oil should activate that meg ryan moment from "when harry met sally", however, in my mixing bowl, it all falls a bit bland, or just-- odd (this may also explain why i have a collection of recipe books that outnumber a family of mormons, and yet the weekly menu has only 7 of my own bastardized dishes on rotation). i need a clothing equivalent of the spinach, dried cranberry and aged gorgonzola "kit", or trader joe's needs to start making outfits.

generally a dinner that is prepared by someone who is being paid lots of money to artfullly drizzle things on my pan seared scallops and butternut squash risotto should warrant more than the default 'navy-old-navy-trousers-and-black-gap-sweater-my-mum-got-me-for-christmas' uniform. in an effort to make one, i browsed the graveyard section of the closet. i can match colours- except on rubik's cubes, there's always one little bugger that mucks up the gestalt.

right.....pink courdroy skirt and grey sweater. a skirt in winter needs tights- grey (for some reason i have a lot of these, probably because i never wear them, so i buy another pair, and continue to not wear them). scrap that, no shoes to go with pink and grey, definitely not wearing black ballet flats, too much like my old boarding school uniform.

right...pink skirt, brown tights and 'brown-boots-from-my-mum-from-four-christmases-ago-that-still-haven't-been-worn'. except these boots came too high for an a-line skirt. change skirt to 'a-line blue-grey-skirt-also-from-mum-at-xmas'. change tights (black tights are ok with blue/grey?). change top; 'another-black-sweater-from-gap-from-mum-at-xmas'. forgot about the brown boots. shit.

right...dark blue jeans, 'first-black-ballet-wrap-gap-sweater-from-mum', but RED (mini) HEELS to make it 'scallop worthy'. except this is maine, you cant go 'skin on shoe' in february. definitely not wearing tights under jeans. further rummaging in the hosiery drawer revealed only one pop sock (black), oh well, it would have looked too minnie mouse. i have yet to master; 'dressy-casual, the 22 degrees version'.

"our reservation is for 5, are you ready?" [sorry, surely you must be talking to one of the dogs, i am not familiar with that particular phrase].

that's it...blue jeans, 'gap-ballet-wrap-from-mum', wool bike socks, and the clumpy black shoes with 'snow tred' underneath. contact lenses, mascara and flat ironed hair is "effort", and 'scallop worthy'.

"good evening, welcome to fuel, where even our crisp, white table linen is infused with truffle oil. would you like to check your [puffy, hooded, baby blue north face] jacket?"

weddings and celebrity red carpet events, albeit infrequent, are obvious. it's the next rung down of apparel that is more complicated than packing a TSA approved carry-on.

1 comment:

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