Wednesday, June 11, 2008

pret a porter: colostomy bags

fortunately, i have no need for one of these medical accessories, and subsequently, know very little about them. however, because i am always interested in expanding my trivial pursuit options under the category "fecal family"; google + lunch table = another blog about poo.

unfortunately the lunch table were not particularly helpful in supplementing my scant knowledge of the subject. as evidenced by one colleague assuming that colostomy bags were hooked onto IV drip poles, to then be dragged around like a toy poodle. and while gravity would certainly be a friend of diarrhea in this scenario, constipation and an elevated catheter could prove both uncomfortable and messy. matte would obviously be recommended over an opaque bag, but the visibility of an IV rigged colostomy is an untapped market for design geeks, staring at their mac's, somewhere in southeast asia.

internet research identified two main varieties that are available for consumers; a more contemporary model, featuring a wax seal, versus the traditional 'belt and bag'. for those not willing to go the ebay route, bags typically retail between $5 and $40-- the difference between a "jansport" and a ballistic, neoprene, and moisture wicking "north face" version. alternative prototypes might feature nike's swoosh logo (an ever present reminder of the task at hand) and plenty of sponsorship at ironman events; louis vuitton and coach to co-ordinate and accessorize for long haul travel; a simple CK to match the never-to-be-soiled undies; and ikea's edition would come flatpacked, in cherry, ash, or black (matte). wikipedia also reported that flatulence exits the same way as solid waste, making bag changing a doubly intense experience. this does present a nice opportunity for an accompanying line of personal colostomy cologne.

marketing would be simple (and exclusive to skymall). never again would you have to climb over someone's lap on an aeroplane. "window seat every time? don't want to sit in the middle (of 5) for the 6 hour plus voyage across the atlantic? no problem, i'll switch my exit row aisle with you: i'm packing the colostomy 2000". (you know you want to).


JAWZ3 said...

yes .....a matching Louis Vuitton?

bethany said...

I knew i served a purpose at your place of employment. Had I been at the lunch table (which i would have been because I am your favorite) I could have regaled the glories of a colostomy bag. In fact, I have already had a patient with one, and let me tell you.....emptying them is a trick, it requires the skills of a ninja, or you have to change scrubs due to poo smeared pants.......

p.s. high colon colostomies look like bags of brownie batter, how is that for your poo image :)? (and sorry they already have deodorant for the bags :))

Disa said...

it has come full circle. the colostomy conversation started, while in your absence, because of you-- the whole poo smearing/clean up story you told a couple of weeks ago outside headliners.

brownie batter...i have to say, i do like that visual analogy.