Wednesday, January 9, 2008

no fear

fight or flight does not appear to exist as an option for me, more like "deer in headlights". avoiding based on fear doesn't seem to get much more accomplished than freezing life and frustrating self and others. i had originally decided that 2008 would be my year of "comittments" (resolutions are futile) and this will be my year of the marathon. however, perhaps more appropo is letting go of fear. the trite bumper sticker for "life is..." phrases regarding risk taking and chances are billboard size at the moment.

sometimes, for some people, there are the 'einstein in a bathtub lightswitch eureka moments', for others, at other times, it is a more subtle 'dimmer switch oh wow i just noticed i got pubic hair' moment. as a fanatic planner, who has historically (note the past tense) used planning to avoid, the present and future, not having a defined set of criteria to cross off in the process of letting go can be somewhat anxiety provoking. if all else fails...there must be a book somewhere that can tell this idiot "how to".

this past christmas i did not get to go "home" to "family" (of origin), i had always wondered how this would affect any future marriage partnership/family, but perhaps it was less about the spouse sucking it up and more about re-prioritizing for the appropriate (worthy) spouse. i spent christmas without my parents- we all survived. granted i do not intend to repeat 07 as my new annual tradition. but it is time for new traditions.

i no longer have a valid passport. i am trapped. rather i was unable to leave, but had a chance for a new beginning.

knickers that homeless people and tramps would be ashamed to wear have now been banished from my wardrobe. whether others get to see them in the dryer/machine/on the floor is irrelevant. nice undies are like the shampoo advert; "i'm worth it".

i spent over $100 on make up (not at walgreens). i have not replaced my make-up since my roomate from grad school moved back to florida aeons ago. make up is "supposed" to be replaced every 6 months; mine was no doubt a breeding ground for all kinds of fungus. with that, the holly-hobbie-dress-up-purse-posing-as-a-make-up-bag-with perfume-stains-and-disintegrating-sponge-because-i've-had-it-since-i-was-small(er)-and-lived-in-south-africa was thrown out.

i no longer have the need to hold onto objects, whether symbolic or actual. i have been hanging onto a couch, a kitchen table, an annual holiday, a place, a name. however, holding onto too many things means there are no hands available to hold onto anything new; or another hand.

the dimmer switch is fully set to light. and it is such a relief to be able to see clearly.


Not Goth said...

I totally hear you on the undies. I have to do this too. I may be 35 this year but my underwear screams 55.

Melinder said...

This weekend I splurged on new colorful undies (5 for $25)! It feels good to come home with that little bag.

mansuetude said...

that phrase,,, einstein in the bathroom lightswitch... it made me think of a sort of electric shock therapy! ouch.

letting go of habits is a great thing, it kills to do it.. i used to cry in the bathtub after thanksgivings away from home (only 900 miles away) but it was better in the long run, ... the champagne helped!