Tuesday, January 16, 2007

connecting dots without numbers

i am a creature of habit, i like to know what comes next, what to expect, no nasty surprises; i habitually flip to the last page in a book, have chatted with a clairvoyant and will always tune in to next week's episode to see who gets eaten by the white polar bear creature thingy on "lost". change induces sharp spikes in anxiety and manic episodes of nail biting and cuticle tearing. however, i can also change my mind; i am female.

i cannot tolerate stagnation, unfortunately this means that my actions will often overcompensate to the other extreme in order to fend it off. the logic being that if i create change on multiple levels then i will not be able to predict what comes next. my favourite past time is the "this time last year" game; i could never have imagined i would be a) in this physical location, b) paid for providing this service, c) colliding orbits with these particular people, d) all of the above. this can then be modified into the "this time next year" game which is good for slow stagnation days. however, one of the implicit hazards of conducting one's life in this manner is the ripple effect it has on the others in my orbit.

we are all connected by our tribes; family, work, friends, partners. this web holds, protects and challenges us. i also get to reciprocate the favour and in turn challenge myself. when i was a little girl i remember first learning to jump into the pool and into my dad's outstretched arms. even though i knew i was going to end up being caught by him i was still absolutely petrified to jump.

with every leap into the unknown there are people on the cliff watching, cheering, and sometimes even giving you the nudge you need to jump, sometimes they even jump with you. when i land, i get to look up and see their faces as i begin the long climb back to the top; of the next cliff. some of them you will leave behind, some of them you will catch up to on another cliff. some don't understand why you chose that particular cliff to fling yourself off and sometimes i don't always know why i chose that cliff either. but when i look back i can see a very clearly defined line connecting the dots; now it makes sense.

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